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This is a short essay on why we should not lie. At first, this appears redundant, like beating a dead horse. We all know that lying is wrong. So why write an essay telling us what we already know and agree on. Maybe because we all lie every day?
Why do we lie if we know it is wrong? What do we gain from this? Do we benefit more from lying than from telling the truth?
The author starts by defining what he means by lying. Most people would define lying as telling something that is not true. However, by this definition, an actor playing a character on stage is lying because he is telling us that he is someone else, and he is pretending to feel emotions and think things he is not really feeling and thinking. If I say something that is false but I don’t know that it is false, am I lying? What if I am saying things that are technically speaking true, but that will create a false impression in the other person’s mind? What if someone asks me a question and I give an evasive answer? Is changing the subject lying?
The author defines lying in the broader senses as engaging in willful deceit. For him lying is any situation when through my words and actions I am deliberately trying to create an impression in the other person’s mind that is different from what I myself understand to be the truth. Also, the other person must at the same time expect me to be honest.
The author does talk about deceit in exceptional situations, such as spies operating undercover or lying to protect a life. He has mixed feelings about it. He says that there are better solutions (although he does not say what these solutions are), but he acknowledges that sometimes deceit is the best option.
I myself believe that protecting human life trumps honesty. If I can protect a life by being honest, by all means I will do it. But if there is no other option, I will lie through my teeth to protect another. Still, these are exceptional situations. I have never been in one and I hope that neither will you. But this book is not about such situations, but about everyday deceit in which almost all of us engage daily.
People deceive for three main reasons. They are afraid that the truth will affect them negatively, they hope that they will gain something by creating a false impression, and they are deceiving for the benefit of another.
I will start with the last argument, that deceit is done in the best interest of another person. Quite often this is simply not true. Quite often we tell ourselves that we are deceiving someone for their own good in order to justify our actions. (I will get to self-deceit later.) But even if we really do it for their benefit, do we really have the right to make this kind of decision for them? What gives us the right to deny them the truth? Do we really think that they are too stupid and/or weak to handle the truth? And even if they are, how are they supposed to grow stronger and smarter if we cocoon them with lies?
Imagine that someone is deceiving you for your own good. Maybe you don’t have to imagine because it did happen to you. It did happen to me once or twice. Would you not feel insulted that those other people thought that you can’t handle the truth? I was.
But deceiving for the benefit of another is not as frequent as deceiving for our own benefit. We deceive to gain advantage and to hide our failures and wrongdoings. The author argues that (and I agree) deceit creates more problems than it solves. Once exposed, deceit makes people angry. Not only are they angry for the initial offense, but the deceit we have used subsequently to hide the offense makes things even worse. Even if we are never caught, we live in fear of being exposed. The protect the initial lie from being revealed, quite often we must create even more deceit. Soon we are creating a complicated web of lies. Some people are compulsive liars or psychopaths and they have no problem doing that. They even enjoy it. But most people are not like that. I myself have to admit that occasionally I have engaged in deceitful behavior. A couple of times I got caught and my lies have only made things worse. But even on the occasions when I got away with it and there was next to no chance of my lies being exposed, I still felt sullied. But whenever I chose to tell the truth, no matter the consequences, I felt relief.
A commitment to always telling the truth is of tangible benefit. Not only we don’t get into trouble by lying, but we can no longer deceive ourselves. We humans have an amazing capacity to engage in self-deceit. We keep telling ourselves lies until we eventually come to believe in them. By being honest with others, we are forced to be honest with ourselves.
This all sounds nice and fine in theory, but in practice we are often afraid to tell the truth because we are scared of the repercussions. There are situations when telling the truth can end badly for us. What should we do?
Obviously, there are situations when telling the truth might result in some terrible tragedy. The author is ambiguous about such situations and so am I. But I am talking about everyday situations. To this I say that for one, a commitment to honesty will make us a better moral person and will decrease the probability that we will do something shameful. Since we know that we won’t have the option to lie about it, we are going to be more likely to do the right thing in the first place. As for the people to whom we tell the truth, they might resent us for the initial wrong that we did, but they will appreciate our honesty and even come to respect us.
But what if they don’t? Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone is entitled to recognize his wrongdoings, come forward and seek atonement. As long as the confession is sincere and the sinner’s efforts to atone and improve are genuine, then they deserve forgiveness. If someone is unwilling to forgive no matter what, then maybe this is not a person that we would like to have in our life.
But what if the truth results in a broken relationship, loss of job or even going to jail? This is of course a difficult situation and each one has to make his own choices. I will only advise that if we are involved in a situation (a relationship, employment, etc.) that is founded on deceit and the truth would destroy it, then maybe it would be better to end this situation one way or another.
The author talks about some other things such as the fact that honest people attract and keep more friends whereas dishonest people turn them away. Even if our deceit is never exposed, lying builds barriers between people that eventually drive them away. There is also talk about the long history of deceit by governments and other institutions. There is this joke. “How can you tell a politician is lying? His lips are moving.” An exaggeration, but not by much. Whenever I learn that the government has been lying about something, I get angry, but I do not get surprised anymore. Years of hearing lies from our so called leaders have made me completely cynical.
It is really amazing how much argument the author crams into such a short essay. But make no mistake, it is very thought provoking. And although I was overall committed to telling the truth before, reading this book only strengthened my resolve. The only problem I have with this book is that at times the author sounds too absolutist to me. He does not recognize that telling the truth is sometimes very hard. He says that we should tell the truth at all times and that is it. Or at least that is the impression that I got few times when reading. But it is a minor peeve. The book is a must-read and although it will not turn you into a saint, it will (it is my hope, at least) set you on the path of honesty. Believe me when I say this, being deceitful is indeed a viable solution to your problems, but in the long run it will almost always make things worse. Telling the truth, no matter how bad in the short run, is almost always a better long-term solution to our problems. I am speaking from (hard earned and painful) experience.
I give this book five stars.
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Popular Highlights in this book
To lie is to intentionally mislead others when they expect honest communication.Highlighted by 3,698 Kindle readers- False encouragement is a kind of theft: It steals time, energy, and motivation that a person could put toward some other purpose.Highlighted by 2,596 Kindle readers
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Audio Version skips page 37-50 😠
I have both the Audible Version and the Kindle Version. I like to listen as the audible reads along and I can highlight stuff. It makes it easier for me as I am dyslexic. Yet at page 37 (the middle section of the book) up to page 50 there is no audio. And when the audio kicks back in “A Conversation with Readers” the reading starts back, but the kind ability to highlight what is being read does not kick in. So save your $5 and just stick to the Kindle version. Just FYI, with Audible you can return any book you don’t like, no questions asked. I just learned this and took advantage of it.
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Amazon Customer
Required reading in order to live well
Reviewed in Mexico on December 13, 2022
