I bought this book, and read every word in it, and agree with everything he has to say. He offers some very good advice, and we could all profit from the things he tells us about.
I would, however, like to respectfully offer my two-cents' worth on the subject:
The only problem with this book, and every other book about having conversation with and getting along with other people, is that they invariably pin the blame on us, the people reading the book, who are looking for advice and guidance, as if we have been doing it wrong, and it's all our fault.
Well, you might say, who else to pin the blame on? Aren't we the ones looking for solutions?
And the answer is, of course, yes.
But that's not to imply that we have done anything that we need to be blamed for.
Many of the "self-help" books about socializing with other people tend to take the position that it's all in learning a few phrases, and memorizing certain techniques, and saying all the right things.
But that's not really the problem. The problem is in the response you get from the people you're talking to.
I have never had any problem getting along with people. In fact, I've been told many times that I am extremely friendly and outgoing.
I wouldn't know how to be any other way.
However, that's not to say that I always have everything under control - far from it.
We've all heard the phrase, "Level Playing Field." In fact, that seems to have become a favorite metaphor for many writers to use, here lately.
And it does describe, sort of, an accurate depiction of what we all seem to seek - a situation where everybody is equal, and we're all starting from the same starting line.
But life is anything but a level playing field.
Everybody has, to more or less the same degree, all of the baggage that every human being has - personality, intelligence, integrity, fortitude, determination, humility, arrogance, shyness, etc, etc, etc.
The issue at hand is how to get along with other people, overcome our shyness, and assert ourselves, to be able to have input into the daily mix, so as to have fruitful days, in harmony with the other people in our life.
However, the fault is not always with ourselves, as we tend to think it is, and as we are led to believe.
Every day, we venture out into the social jungle, trusting that the people we encounter will have a benevolent attitude, but at the very least, that they will understand what we are saying to them, and respond in the same manner in which our remarks were intended.
There is a song, "It Takes Two To Tango," which says it all in five words: You can't play tennis by yourself; neither can you play on the teeter-totter by yourself. There are many things that require the cooperative actions of another person besides yourself to achieve.
Conversation is one of them.
Normal conversation, between two normal people, is simply a matter of asking a question, and answering a question.
It's not exactly rocket science; in fact, it's easy. People have been doing it for thousands of years.
The key word here is "normal."
If either party has a sending or receiving issue, no conversation can take place.
This, then, is the crux of the problem that many people think they have:
My contention is that most people are not nearly as shy as they imagine themselves to be. If you don't have any problem talking to people in your family, or friends that you've known for a long time, you probably don't really have a shyness problem, at all.
But you may be convinced that you do.
And the reason for this all comes back to the "teeter-totter" principle: Give and take. Call and response. Up and Down. In and Out. Back and forth.
If you ask a question but get no response, this creates the dreaded "awkward silence," which means that you think you have said something so inane that it doesn't deserve an answer.
This is a very pivotal moment in any social interaction. We are at our most vulnerable when we ask a question, because our self-confidence can be so easily torpedoed at that moment, just by the person we are attempting to have a conversation with, simply not responding.
In trying to create a conversation with someone, we put a lot of thought into the things we say, and construct our questions so as to set up a dialog, and initiate a relationship, or at least an exchange of opinions.
Silence, coming from someone from whom you are expecting a response, is intimidating. It psychologically puts you in a subservient position, and undermines your self-confidence.
This inhibits your courage, in seeking to interact with whomever you're attempting to interact with.
Whenever we do not get an immediate, friendly response to our question, we are intimidated from asking further questions.
This serves the purpose of the unresponsive party perfectly, because his objective is to squelch further questions.
And the reason is that he is unable to answer them, because he can't sustain a conversation, owing to a mental defect.
Thus; end of conversation.
If you receive a curt, blunt, harsh response to any question you may ask, the normal tendency is to clam up, and not venture any further questions.
This is the desired effect of anyone who is unable to engage in normal give-and-take conversation, because he has a mental impediment which will not allow him to participate.
Hence, he seems imperious, and aloof, which removes him from any expectation to engage in conversation.
"One hand washes the other," and all of those other clichés - are all absolutely valid and accurate.
Silence, in social interaction, is deadly.
There is a condition, known as "Social Anxiety," or "Social Phobia," which is a mental condition, which renders people unable to have a conversation, or carry a complete thought through to a satisfactory conclusion. These people appear for all the world to be completely ordinary, for all intents and purposes.
They may appear to be friendly, and approachable, and to all outward appearances, perfectly normal.
You may encounter them in your life every day, and you might never know it. They are experts at concealing that they have any problem whatsoever.
They can return your greeting, and say "Hi," and smile and nod, but can't actually put a sentence together of much more than three or four words.
I had a personal experience where I joined the Men's Club at a golf course that I played frequently, and I attempted to meet and get to know as many of the members as I could, right after I became a member.
What I was astounded to discover was how many of these men, who appeared to be completely "on top of their game," so to speak, simply could not talk, and would invariably put off making any effort to return my attempts at conversation, for some obscure reason, that they just didn't seem to have the time to talk, at that particular moment.
To say that this was somewhat surprising is to completely understate the situation: I was more than a little puzzled, since it seemed to happen much too frequently to simply be coincidental.
And, mind you, this wasn't just with only one individual: A very similar scenario happened with numerous members that I specifically attempted to engage in conversation.
This was extremely curious, to say the least.
I was at a complete loss to understand why so many people were so adamant about just simply refusing to engage in conversation.
To the best of my recollection, it seemed that with almost half of the people I attempted to talk to, I did not actually succeed in having any sort of conversation with them at all. They all had some excuse as to why they could not talk at that particular moment.
But I was, after all, the new guy, so I just chalked it up to the idea that I would have to more or less "earn my way" into their good graces, all in due time.
It was mystifying to me, however, to realize just how many of the people I tried to talk to, managed to weasel their way out of having any sort of discussion whatsoever - about anything.
In other words - it wasn't that they were evasive in their conversation - but just that there wasn't any conversation. Period. Complete silence. No talking.
It's one thing to get an excuse as to why someone doesn't do something you expect them to do, but it's quite another for them to simply not respond at all, to something you have said.
When you ask someone a question, you are inviting them to talk, by asking for their opinion and an explanation as to why they have a particular attitude about whatever subject you are discussing.
The very curious aspect of trying to talk to someone with Social Anxiety is that you don't get a conflicting opinion, or an argument, or even an agreement. You just don't get anything at all.
There simply is no conversation.
Try as you may, no matter what kind of provocative question you may ask, even about themselves, you rarely get more than a one or two word answer.
This is a pretty loud statement from them that they don't want to talk.
But more to the truth of the matter, they perfect the art of not talking, actually because they can't talk.
I found this to be very strange, and really quite puzzling.
You could pretty much sum it up by saying that any response you might get, from any direct question, was in as few words as possible, and really didn't explain much of anything, or even make any attempt to satisfy your inquiry. In other words, it didn't really make any sense.
And that, in a nutshell, is the key bit of information necessary to understand the problem of Social Anxiety: The victims of this disease just cannot formulate an answer to any question you might ask of them, and respond to your comment in the same train of thought, and continue a dialogue.
In other words, they are just incapable of having a normal, give-and-take, casual conversation, such as most of us take for granted every day of our lives.
About the only thing you can say is that they are physically present, but that's pretty much the extent of it. Their primary hallmark is complete silence.
I am condensing this story, but suffice it to say that I attended monthly meetings, during the summer months, for TEN YEARS, before it finally dawned on me that I was surrounded by people who simply could not talk.
Of course, it wasn't literally true that this was the case with everybody in the club, which was undoubtedly the primary reason I didn't suspect the true depth of the problem at first. But there is no question that a significant percentage of the members, I am convinced, possibly even as many as half, did have this problem.
It was not unusual, during a two-hour meeting, that several members who sat at my table would sit through the entire meeting, and not utter a word.
There comes a time when you begin to seriously doubt your own sanity, when it seems that almost everybody you attempt to have a conversation with, it somehow just never quite manages to happen.
This is a disaster, and actually, a tragedy. These poor souls live their entire lives in virtual silence.
Although it may very well be that they can and do talk to their close friends and family members, they mostly remain almost totally silent out in public.
Of course, not everybody at the club had this problem, but enough of them did, that out of the 12 or 15 people who I did manage to get to know, most of them just could never seem to have a relaxed, friendly, casual conversation.
Not only could they not sit and have a casual conversation, even when they did respond to a question, you were left scratching your head, because their answer usually had no relevance to the question you asked.
This is very strange stuff, and you hardly know how to react to it.
If they responded at all, it almost seemed that they were attempting to prove that they could actually talk, but the things they would say really didn't make any sense.
I had become seriously concerned about my own mental health, when I felt like I couldn't get a straight answer from just about anybody I tried to talk to.
It had seemed that this situation had sort of crept up on me, and that I was more or less "losing it," and was more frequently encountering people who I had a problem communicating with. I didn't actually connect the problem with the Men's Club, until one day I realized that it was only with members of the Men's Club that I had any trouble trying to talk to.
Suddenly, it was as if a bright light had come on: It was an absolute revelation to me, to realize that this was the source of all the confusion!
I would venture to say that perhaps 50% of the members - at least those that I had attempted to get to know - just simply could not engage in conversation, beyond a brief Hello.
And we're not talking about a small group; I'm not precisely sure of the actual number of members in the Men's Club, but it's in the neighborhood of 150 or so people.
There is no way I could confirm that such a high number - 50% - actually are affected, but I would seriously not be surprised if the percentage was that high.
What's really sad is when you approach one of these people, who appears to have his act pretty much together, and ask him a question, and receive these sort of evasive answers, and you persist, and he starts to squirm, and you suddenly realize that the poor soul just can't manage to carry on even the most elementary conversation, you realize just what an ordeal his every moment must be.
But what may be even more depressing is to see a physically big, masculine, virile, seemingly confident man, who, because of this mental condition, actually seems almost child-like, and it just seems very sad, to realize that he's doing the best he can.
But this also underscores the seriousness of the situation, that just to carry on ordinary, every-day conversation, which virtually everyone takes for granted in a normal day of activities, is literally not possible for these poor unfortunate people.
It took a long time, but I finally began to realize that I was literally surrounded by people who could not talk - and it almost seemed that there were more people who couldn't talk than people who could.
Like attracts like, and it's really not too hard to imagine how this situation came to be: No doubt, a member invited a friend - perhaps a co-worker, who happened to be a victim of Social Anxiety, who was also a golfer - to attend a meeting, and he did so. Once at the meeting, he discovered that there were no undue demands placed upon him, other than to listen to the speakers drone on, and go through the line to get his food, and go up to the bar for an occasional beer. And so, in time, he brought in a friend with the same affliction, who ended up doing the same thing with another of his similarly afflicted friends, and eventually, it evolved into a grand monthly gathering for like-minded souls, who had much more in common than just the golf.
I would just imagine that there are other people who may find themselves involved in similar situations, which are, most probably, not unlike what I found myself involved with, but of course I have no way to know that for a fact.
It was only after I bought several books about Social Anxiety, and other books about mental problems in general, that I became aware of many things that had happened to me in the past which were suddenly clear to me, after I had been somewhat educated about the whole area of mental health.
The bottom line is that you may not actually have any problems whatsoever, about being shy. In fact, just the fact that you are concerned enough to buy a book about it, says to me that you don't have anything to worry about.
All you have to do is run into someone with Social Anxiety, and attempt to strike up a conversation with them.
You will almost immediately become convinced that you are so shy that you can't think of anything to say, out in a public venue.
The main defense is simply to become aware that this situation definitely does exist. You may very well already be in close association with people who are affected by all of the adverse symptoms of this condition, but have no idea whatsoever of anything about it. But to try to have any sort of meaningful conversation with anyone who is afflicted with this condition is a study in absolute futility, because you will never get a response that makes any sense.
I wondered, once it became obvious to me that the whole Men's Club seemed to be so thoroughly permeated with people who had mental problems, just how it was possible for this to have happened.
But it's really not a big mystery, when you stop to think about it.
One doesn't really have to completely understand the whys and wherefores of a situation, to realize that there is just something odd about the atmosphere of a place, and you feel strangely uncomfortable about being there.
And on the other hand, if you find yourself among friends and like-minded souls, you look forward to seeing them all again.
Most likely, as the normal people became more aware that there was a definite problem among so many of the members, their desire to continue to remain a member began to diminish, whereas the people with Social Anxiety were perfectly comfortable among their fellow-travelers, and had no desire to change anything. Being among so many of their similarly-afflicted compatriots was no doubt very comforting to them.
Knowledge is the best defense. But the problem is, you don't have that knowledge, at first, until something happens to cause the light bulb to come on in your head, and you have that "aha" moment, when the pieces of the puzzle fall into place, and you're finally able to see the big picture.
But I had to take my leave of the Men's Club, because I became increasingly more uncomfortable with every meeting I attended. I had started to feel outnumbered. Common sense told me that not everybody at the club had this problem, but it had long seemed to be that this was actually the case. Just looking out at their faces, it is not possible to ascertain who might or might not be affected by this terrible condition, but it's very easy to think that any or all of them could be.
What was so discouraging was just knowing that the odds of running into someone who simply could not communicate were possibly even higher than 50/50. This is very depressing to realize, and certainly not the feeling you want to feel when you go to a social gathering where you at least hope to find other people with like-minded attitudes, and friendly personalities.
When I realized that in a ten-year association, in spite of my efforts to make a concerted attempt to meet and get to know as many members as I could, I had not succeeded in actually making connections with more than just a very few people. The overwhelming feeling that crossed my mind when I thought about the Men's Club was that I couldn't think of more than a very small number of people who I actually felt were totally normal.
But I had gotten to the point to where that didn't really come as any surprise. All you can do is apply the process of elimination, and find out, one after another, who can respond and who can't, and whatever happens, it is what it is.
This is extremely depressing; to have to go through a "weeding out" process, just to try to figure out who could talk, and who couldn't.
The primary emotions that came to mind were anxiety, suspicion, and even a slight sensation of fear.
Being exposed to mental instability is very unsettling, indeed, and even somewhat frightening.
It's just a definite downer. Very depressing.
Once it became clear to me that I was literally surrounded by people who simply could not communicate, and that this was the reason for all of the deep despair and confusion in my mind, I didn't feel much incentive to continue my membership. I started to develop a feeling of dread about even showing up for meetings, and began to feel a strong desire to absent myself from the proceedings. As I envisioned each member's face, I was hard-pressed to identify more than one or two who I felt I could have a normal conversation with.
The very nature of a Men's Club, or probably any social club, is that you gather for meetings at which you share light-hearted moments of frivolity and gaiety, and you get in a jovial mood, and turn to somebody at your table to share the moment, and see a blank look, and think, "Hello - " but realize that there's nobody home.
When you are in attendance at a social gathering, and you attempt to strike up a conversation with someone seated right next to you, and you get repeated one or two-word answers to any question you might ask, it's time to move on.
What's worse, is just multiply this experience with possibly half (or more) of the people present, and pretty soon you feel as if you're there all alone.
What is so unfortunate, for me, is that I am no longer a member of the Men's Club, and I do miss the thought of being among like-minded people, who all have the same common goal of the game of golf, and the enjoyment of playing the game with other golfers.
At least, that's the way it's supposed to be, and that's what I thought I was getting into when I joined the club.
And there were other members who were exactly of the same mind-set, but it seemed to be that they, and I, were pretty much overwhelmed with too many others, who had some pretty big problems.
They won, and I lost - or at least, that's the way it seems.
But it's just too demoralizing to attempt to continue to go through the motions of pretending to be comfortable among so many people who simply can't talk, that removing yourself from that environment is the only thing that makes sense.
Have you ever heard the phrase, "Alone in a crowd?" Well, this situation personifies that experience, in spades.
I think it's very likely that most people are like I was, before this had ever happened to me: It's hard to realize, until you have actually witnessed it, that there are so many people who simply can't function normally, and yet, are out and about, totally embedded within society, and who we are actually thrown together with on a daily basis, and we have no idea whatsoever that there is anything amiss.
It's when we realize that we are not connecting with someone who we attempt to converse with, that we become aware that there are things beyond our control that have a profound effect on our life.
It's because of this complete unawareness on my part to anything at all like the situation that I encountered, that it went on for as long as it did, and I didn't have any inkling as to what could possibly have been the problem.
How often have you attempted to talk with someone, but your approach just seems to fall flat?
Invariably, we blame ourselves for not being able to somehow magically transform the situation into one of instant chemistry, and have a fulfilling, gratifying conversation.
Almost never do we realize that the person we were attempting to converse with just wasn't able to respond in any sort of meaningful way.
And so, it really is true that what you don't know can hurt you.
But that's what life is all about: You live and learn - a little bit more every day.
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