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Boundaries with Kids: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children Paperback – November 1, 2001

by Henry Cloud (Author), John Townsend (Author)
4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 2,162 ratings
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Discover how setting biblical boundaries can improve your parenting and your relationship with your children.

Join Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, authors of the New York Times bestseller Boundaries, as they share the research and guidance you need to raise your kids to take responsibility for their actions and emotions and enable them to lead balanced, productive, and fulfilling adult lives.

The tools and guidance provided in Boundaries with Kids will change the way you view healthy boundaries, no matter where you are in your parenting journey. You'll learn how to:

  • Define appropriate boundaries and consequences for your kids.
  • Set limits and still be a loving parent.
  • Bring balance to an out-of-control family life.
  • Understand the six steps to implementing boundaries in your home.

Using biblically backed principles, including respect, stewardship, and self-control, Drs. Cloud and Townsend share the lessons they've learned firsthand after decades of working with families across the country. With wisdom and empathy, they take you through the ins and outs of instilling the kind of character in your children that will help them lead Godly lives.

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Previous page
  1. Print length
    224 pages
  2. Language
    English
  3. Publisher
    Zondervan
  4. Publication date
    November 1, 2001
  5. Dimensions
    5.5 x 0.61 x 8.47 inches
  6. ISBN-10
    9780310243151
  7. ISBN-13
    978-0310243151
  8. See all details
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    The Boundaries book series has transformed marriages, families, organizations, and individuals around the world, with 4 million copies sold.

    Some people focus so much on being loving and unselfish that they forget their own limits and limitations. That’s why the ability to set clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. In relationships, boundaries define who we are and who we are not, which impacts every part of our lives.

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From the Publisher

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A Note from the Authors

Since our bestselling book Boundaries was published, many parents have asked us questions—in the counseling office, in seminars, and on the radio—about how boundaries work in child rearing. Parents are concerned with raising kids who are not only loving, but also responsible. And they want something that will do more than help people heal broken boundaries. They want something to prevent boundary problems, to help build boundaries in children. This book is for them. It applies the principles in Boundaries to the specific context of child rearing.

Boundaries with Kids was written for parents of children of all ages. However, if you aren’t a parent, The book may also help you to help the children you love and whose lives you impact. This book is designed to help you implement these principles, whether you are a primary caretaker or play a secondary role in a child’s life.

—Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

boundaries, parenting, help, Henry Cloud, John Townsend, boundaries with kids, responsible, adult

boundaries, parenting, help, Henry Cloud, John Townsend, boundaries with kids, responsible, adult

boundaries, parenting, help, Henry Cloud, John Townsend, boundaries with kids, responsible, adult

Part 1: Why Kids Need Boundaries

Ever since the time of Adam and Eve, taking ownership of our lives and accepting responsibility for ourselves is something we have resisted. Your task as a parent is to help your child develop inside him what you have been providing on the outside: responsibility, self-control, and freedom. Setting and maintaining boundaries is not an easy task, but with the right ingredients, it really works.

Part 2: Ten Boundary Principles Kids Need to Know

In this section you will gain an understanding of the ten laws of boundaries. These guiding principles will help you apply boundaries to many aspects of home life with your kids. Use them as tools with your children to employ and teach responsibility.

Part 3: Implementing Boundaries with Kids

In this section you will learn six steps of boundary implementation with your child. However, you need to understand this in context. This section is useless if you aren’t setting boundaries yourself. As we have said in many ways, children need more than a parent who will talk about boundaries. They need a parent who will be boundaries.

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Boundaries with Kids Workbook: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Children Boundaries with Teens: When to Say Yes, How to Say No Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life Boundaries in Marriage: The Choices That Make or Break Loving Relationships Beyond Boundaries: Learning to Trust Again in Relationships Boundaries in Dating: How Healthy Choices Grow Healthy Relationships
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Other boundaries books by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend This excellent companion workbook helps you put the principles detailed in Boundaries with Kids to work in your family. The clear, helpful exercises and applications in the this workbook will help you make the leap from understanding to practice. Establish wise and loving limits that make a positive difference in your teen, in the rest of your family, and in you. Join the millions who have learned how to take control of their lives by setting healthy boundaries with their spouses, children, friends, parents, coworkers, and even themselves, in order to live life to the fullest. Learn when to say yes and how to say no in the context of your marriage relationship. Once you have boundaries in place, a good marriage can become better, and a less-than-satisfying one can even be saved. For when your trust has been broken: discover how to set firm boundaries again, how to connect deeply without being hurt, and how to safely grow your most intimate relationships. Boundaries in Dating offers illuminating insights for romance that can help you grow in freedom, honesty, and self-control as you pursue healthy dating limits that can lead to a happy marriage.

Editorial Reviews

From the Back Cover

What the award-winning Boundaries has done for adult relationships, Boundaries with Kids will do for you and your children

Here is the help you need for raising your kids to take responsibility for their actions, attitudes, and emotions. Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend take you through the ins and outs of instilling the kind of character in your children that will help them lead balanced, productive, and fulfilling adult lives.

Learn how to
• set limits and still be a loving parent
• bring control to an out-of-control family life
• apply the ten laws of boundaries to parenting
• define appropriate boundaries and consequences for your kids
… and much more.

“Boundaries with Kids helps us give our kids the skills they need to live realistic and full lives in meaningful relationships. Not perfect--but healthy!”
--Elisa Morgan, president of MOPS International, Inc.

About the Author

Dr. Henry Cloud is a clinical psychologist, pastor to pastors, and New York Times bestselling author. His 45 books, including the iconic Boundaries, have sold over 20 million copies worldwide. Throughout his storied career as a clinician, he started treatment centers, created breakthrough new models rooted in research, and has been a leading voice on issues of mental health and leadership on a global scale. Dr. Cloud lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Tori, and their two daughters, Olivia and Lucy.



Dr. John Townsend is a nationally known leadership consultant, psychologist, and author, selling over 10 million books, including the New York Times bestselling Boundaries series. John founded the Townsend Institute for Leadership and Counseling and the Townsend Leadership Program. Dr. Townsend travels extensively for corporate consulting, speaking events, and to help develop leaders, their teams, and their families. John and his family live in Southern California and Texas. Visit DrTownsend.com.

Product details

  • ASIN ‏ : ‎ 0310243157
  • Publisher ‏ : ‎ Zondervan; Supersaver edition (November 1, 2001)
  • Language ‏ : ‎ English
  • Paperback ‏ : ‎ 224 pages
  • ISBN-10 ‏ : ‎ 9780310243151
  • ISBN-13 ‏ : ‎ 978-0310243151
  • Item Weight ‏ : ‎ 2.31 pounds
  • Dimensions ‏ : ‎ 5.5 x 0.61 x 8.47 inches
  • Customer Reviews:
    4.7 4.7 out of 5 stars 2,162 ratings

About the authors

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  1. Lisa Guest

    Lisa Guest

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    Lisa Guest has been writing, editing, and developing curriculum since 1984. She holds a Master's Degree in English Literature from UCLA and teaches at her church whenever the opportunity arises.

    See more on the author's page
  2. Henry Cloud

    Henry Cloud

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    Dr. Cloud is a New York Times and Wall Street Journal bestselling author, and his books have sold nearly 20 million copies. His leadership book, Integrity, was dubbed by the New York Times as "the best book in the bunch." In 2011, Necessary Endings was called "the most important book you read all year." His book "Boundaries For Leaders" was named by CEO Reads in the top five leadership books of its year. Dr. Cloud's work has been featured and reviewed by the New York Times, Wall Street Journal, Boston Globe, Publisher's Weekly, Los Angeles Times, and many other publications. Success Magazine named Dr. Cloud in the top 25 most influential leaders in personal growth and development, alongside Oprah, Brene Brown, Seth Godin and others. He is a frequent contributor to CNN, Fox News Channel, and other national media outlets.

    ‍

    In his leadership consulting practice, Dr. Cloud works with CEOs, Fortune 500 companies and smaller private businesses alike. He has an extensive executive coaching background, and experience as a leadership consultant, devoting the majority of his time working with CEOs, leadership teams and executives to improving performance, leadership skills, and culture. He also has a specialty in high net worth family offices.

    ‍

    His experience includes three decades as a consultant, and as an entrepreneur he started and grew a successful chain of treatment centers in over 40 cities across the western United States. His experience running a business of this magnitude lends credibility to his expertise on leadership matters in the companies with which he works.As a speaker, Dr. Cloud has shared the stage with many business and global leaders and experts, such as Tony Blair, Jack Welch, Condoleezza Rice, Desmond Tutu, President George Bush, Marcus Buckingham, Magic Johnson, Peyton Manning and many others.Dr. Cloud is a graduate of Southern Methodist University, with a B.S. in psychology. He completed his Ph.D. in clinical psychology at Biola University, and his clinical internship at Los Angeles County Department of Mental Health. His philanthropic interests lie in homelessness in the inner city, as well as missions in the developing world. He lives in Los Angeles with his wife, Tori, and their two daughters, Olivia and Lucy. He enjoys golf, scuba diving, boating and fishing.

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Top reviews from the United States

Linda Cochran Lay
5.0 out of 5 stars Wonderful resource for raising secure, confident kids
Reviewed in the United States on April 3, 2024
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I am a professional counselor and have used this as a recommended reading for parents for many years. It gives sound advice to help you teach your kids and lead to them being fully functioning, successful adults. Definitely on my suggested reading list
One person found this helpful
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Hathi
5.0 out of 5 stars Most Helpful Parenting We Have Read In Years
Reviewed in the United States on April 1, 2020
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We get so many recommendations for parentling advice from friends, relatives, therapists, etc. & often read them for some golden nuggets of wisdom (or at least start them and never finish). This was the 1st parenting book page-turner we have ever read!

We have six kids, and one is inevitably challenging us at any time! This book helped us to realize WHY we need to hold to key principles and gave us some practical tips to do so. Helping us to create the vision of how our children will be impacted in the future by our behaviors toward them now. The reason for these boundaries is to help them develop into good moral, functioning adults.

It was a challenging read not from the words used but because we kept having to stop and compare our actions vs. the situations in the book to see where we do succeed (YAY!) and where we have some hard work to do. However, after only a few weeks of implementing the learnings from this book, we have seen some positive behavior changes in several of the kids!

The book is based on Protestant philosophy and loaded with references to Holy Scripture. However, this book is meant for all parents and the Bible passages share the backbone of the principles but they also stand on their own as they are universal.

Also - NOT JUST FOR PARENTS! I lead a scouting group and my wife leads a co-op, and we find these skills taught here are highly applicable in those siutations as well. Lastly, the principles have challenged my wife & I to look at the need for better clearer Boundaries in our own relationship, which has also been rewarding.

HIGHLY RECOMMEND!
16 people found this helpful
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Hello From Here
5.0 out of 5 stars Practical outworking of the original book for kids
Reviewed in the United States on December 5, 2013
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Practical outworking of the original book for kids. You can read this if you haven't read the first (and you should). But even if you have the original "Boundaries" this still gives unique insights to parenting. The book comes from a uniquely Christian worldview; it is peppered with Bible verses but it still practical even if you aren't super religious.

Disclosure: This is probably my favorite parenting book.

The approach of a Boundary is that it clearly defines what you can control. I can control me. The strategy for parenting is to seek to get your kids not to be under control but to control themselves.

They start the book with a story of seeing a mother cleaning her son's room. And one of the authors offhandedly comments, "That will work out well for his future spouse." The comment he admits may not have been the best, but got the point across that "the future is now." We need to prepare our kids to be successful adults.

My favorite walk away application sums up their approach. Instead of saying, "You should..." Or "you need to..." One author shared in an interview I listened to, "If I were king of the parenting world they would remove the phrases from the vocabulary."

Their approach is conversational and encourages you to set boundaries ahead of time. They give the example of homework, being done before video games. Instead of walking in and telling your child, "You need to do your homework." Your kid will probably not agree with the need. No I feel fine thanks.

Instead say, "Here's the deal. Remember we said no playing video games until your homework is done. You've got five seconds to stop playing homework. If you break the rule no video games for a week." Now little Johnny is motivated to get the work done, he will say, "I need to go do my homework." And the responsibility is transferred to him. He now owns the behavior you want him to go do.

Love that!

Other practical points:
Love is not against limits.
How to keep emotions out of discipline
How to deal with: impulsivity, defying authority, whining, procrastination, aggressive behavior, sexual involvement, drugs and gangs.

Great stuff!
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Joshua Olds
5.0 out of 5 stars Good Enough to Be A Textbook
Reviewed in the United States on March 16, 2011
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Boundaries with Kids by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend is a veritable treasure trove of information in the journey of successfully raising children. Throughout the book, they teach their readers how to create boundaries with children that will help them grow into mature, individuated adults. While Cloud and Townsend set forth a number of ideas and raise many points, their book can be distilled into five primary points, which I'm going to call "Big Ideas."

The first big idea is the necessity of boundaries. This is foundational as it creates the framework for the other concepts and big ideas to follow. Second is the cultivation of responsibility. The major goal of boundaries is to train one's child for the responsibilities of adulthood. The third idea is that that of respect. This gives the child an awareness of others and teaches the character traits of selflessness and love. Fourth is the idea of internalization. Rules and guidelines can exist external to the child when they come from the parent, but if the child does not internalize these values then he will not be able to function as a healthy adult. The fifth and last topic discusses the idea of parental role modeling. Children, as visual learners, will be able to follow and internalize boundaries only if they see their parents doing so as well.

Cloud and Townsend pioneered the idea of creating boundaries in their seminal book simply entitled Boundaries and have modified it accordingly to be specific to different types of relationships. Their years of experience as professional counselors and parents help secure their foundation of healthy parenting. Simple and non-revolutionary, their style is far from intuitive--boundaries have to be learned--but makes perfect sense. Boundaries With Kids is good enough that I first encountered it in a college-level class on child counseling as mandatory reading. As a member of the American Association of Christian Counselors, I highly recommend it as a necessity for parents or any couple who will be parents.
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Top reviews from other countries

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maggie. s
5.0 out of 5 stars Straightforward and helpful strategies
Reviewed in Canada on March 13, 2021
Verified Purchase
Broken down well. Straightforward, explanations and visible cause and effect explanations.
I would recommend no one implement strategies until the book is finished so as to have the URL plan in place before moving forward, but let the ideas digest until that happens and God bless any and every parent...
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M.C.
5.0 out of 5 stars Perfekt !! Immer passend, auch bei unterschiedlichen Charakteren der Kinder
Reviewed in Germany on March 9, 2014
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passt immer wieder , in vielen unterschiedlichen Situationen. Habe dieses verschenkt. In Deutsch heißt es übrigens " Liebevoll Grenzen setzen ". Eins der besten christlichen Erziehungsbücher das ich je gefunden habe.

Ich habe 3 sehr unterschiedliche Kinder, die auch nicht immer einfach sind. Dieses Buch passt super. Ich schaue immer wieder rein !!
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IgumOgum
5.0 out of 5 stars Fantastic must have book
Reviewed in the United Kingdom on September 14, 2013
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This is the best parenting book I have found, I have found the advice really logical, and easy to put into practice. And it is working for us! Once you understand the principles behind it, then it is something you can remember and put into place. I have it on kindle, with so many pages bookmarked that I think I will just have to buy multiple hard copies-one for me and the rest to give to my friends! I think it would be good for non Christian friends, too, as it does not bible bash, but actually serves to demonstrate how reliable the advice in the bible is, into the present day. For example, the base principle that you reap what you sow, and that you must teach children there are consequences for their behaviour, and then give them those consequences-better to learn that lesson from you who loves them, than from the cold hard world later!
The advice also encompasses all age groups, which is handy. You can adapt your response to the age groups of your children.
2 people found this helpful
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コロ助の母
5.0 out of 5 stars ながら族でも人間関係の知恵が得られます
Reviewed in Japan on July 6, 2009
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『境界線』という本を数年前に読んだことがあって、人間関係でしんどく
なる仕組みや、「じゃあどうしたら良いんだろう」という問いに対する
ヒントを得ました。

このオーディオＣＤは、同じ著者による『境界線』シリーズのうち、
子供との関係にフォーカスを置いた本の朗読版です。

私は、子育てを初めて１年ほどですが、
・子供が自分で選択ができるようになること
・その子が自分の選択の結果の責任をとること
・他の人の「ノー」という意志を尊重すること（敬意を持つこと）

といったようなことを、自分の子供が身につけていくために、
自分はどんな風に寄り添うことが出来るのか、知りたいと思いました。

この本には、「子供は『境界線』をちゃんと持った親を必要とする」
とも書かれていて、そうだなあ、と思いましたし、自分自身が境界線を
持った人になる訓練がいるなあ、と思いました。

子育てだけに留まらず、生きていく限り、人間関係は発生するものだから、
自分を損なわずに、かつ他人とも負担にならないような関係を持つには
どうしたら良いか、知恵が欲しいなあとも思いました。

この本（というかオーディオＣＤ）には、そのためのヒントが書かれていて、
一回読んだらおしまい、という本ではなく、何度も読み返し、試行錯誤して
いく上での助けになる本だと思います。

ワークブックとセットで買いましたが、車に乗りながら、家事をしながら
聴けるので、ラジオを聴く感覚で本の内容が頭に入ってオススメです。
12 people found this helpful
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crochet mom
5.0 out of 5 stars GREAT BOOK!
Reviewed in Canada on July 8, 2019
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I love this book! The principles are great and easily applicable. I want to read the one for adults as it really sheds light on many behaviors myself and those around me have and how to rectify &/or improve.
One person found this helpful
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