For more awesomeness, please visit: www.matthewkadish.com

I was born a poor black child in the Tsunami-ravaged area of post-Katrina New Orleans, where I lived in an inner-city trailer home that spontaneously combusted due to terrorist activity. I was left homeless and on the streets, where I was forced to use my wits to survive. I currently work five dead-end jobs, struggling to make ends meet, while juggling the challenges of being a single mother.

I wrote 500 pages of my first novel on a napkin at a coffee shop in Edinburgh because my laptop would keep distracting me with cute videos of kittens on YouTube whenever I attempted to use it. Writing is especially difficult because I suffer from a debilitating form of carpel tunnel syndrome and an incurable form of arthritis, which combine into a super handicap which requires me to use robotic arms for daily tasks. All the kids make fun of my robotic arms, and I don't think I will ever recover from the emotional scars of always being picked last in gym class.

And worst of all: I never learned to read!

I am currently pursuing my goal of being a professional author, self-publishing my works while shunned by the mainstream publishing establishment because, and I quote, "You make all our other authors look bad."

In my spare time, I enjoy watching late night movies on Cinemax, practicing the deadly art of ninjutsu, and letting go of balloons while walking along the beach so I can watch them magically fly away.

I'm also incredibly attractive and any woman would be lucky to have me. I know this because my mother tells me so all the time.

I have a personal manservant/henchman named Bucky, whom I suspect might actually be a robot. He does my laundry and ensures my clothes always smell like mountain spring breeze. He's pretty cool.

My arch-enemy is the Leprechaun from the Lucky Charms box. He continues to taunt me while I patiently plot my revenge. I've recently formed an alliance with the Trix Rabbit and Count Chocula to bring him down for good, but please don't tell him that, I want it to be a surprise.

I currently live in Las Vegas with my dog Peekaboo, in a house which I suspect might have a gas leak, since I'm feeling extremely light headed as I'm writing this. I hope to write as many novels as I can before the machines become self-aware and take over the world.

I'm currently on an adventure that involves uncovering an ancient secret and saving the President of the United States. I'll let you know how it turns out.

Until then, I hope you enjoy my writings and tell all your friends about how cool I am.

P.S. I'm a terrible liar.